This blog post that has lived in the “drafts” section for oh, about a year. I’ve been reluctant to press “publish” for some reason or another, probably the biggest one was that I was hoping something would change and I could write a different kind of post, but as the months go by with no answer and no progress, I think it’s time to share. (be forewarned, it is a long one)
The past two and a half years have been such an emotional roller coaster for Jay and I. Travel back a couple years and a couple months to a conversation where Jay and I decided that we were ready to start our family and that I would get off birth control. We began this journey full of excitement and anticipation for what our family was going to be.
Now fast forward two years, some months, three best friends having babies and one currently pregnant, boy tests, girl tests and STILL no answers. We have found ourselves in what I like to refer to as a really cruel joke. The last two years have been the epitome of bittersweet as we have celebrated new life with our dearest of friends and yet at the very same time, were left with a sense of failure and mourning of our own inabilities.
The past 30 months have been the same routine of hoping, pretending not to count days or “know” when I was supposed to know, wondering if every body ache or cramp or tenderness or soreness “meant” something, taking random vitamins…B12, Zinc, whatever others are supposed to “help” and every month around days 28-30 being overcome by the realization that this just is not “the month” and truthfully, like I’m a failure.
Going through this with such an amazing and encouraging husband has made it easier. Jay is so wonderfully gentle when I am falling to pieces. I see it in his eyes and face though when we see our friends’ babies, he wants to meet his child. He’s ready. It is the sweetest thing to see and also the most heartbreaking all at the same time.
After 1 year of “trying” unsuccessfully, you are officially deemed infertile until proven otherwise. So in our journey through infertility, we’ve gone through a series of tests, estimated guesses and the like. Today I took another step in the path of discovery and had an HSG test (hysterosalpingogram). I went into the procedure thinking, secretly hoping, that there was something wrong…because then, there would be a definitive “next step”.
As I sat there looking at the television screen, I watched everything flow perfectly and everything look just as normal as can be…and the ironic thing is, my heart sank. So now, there is really NO explanation as to why we haven’t been able to conceive at this point, it’s not a physical issue…it is a timing issue.
I am a believer in God. Ultimately I know that He created me, He loves me and that He doesn’t want Jay and I to be sad. But it, honestly, has been a HUGE test to our faith. At times, it is really hard…REALLY hard… for me to believe that God DOES have a plan for us and we really aren’t the brunt of a mean joke. I am trying my hardest to stay faithful and to try to find joy in other things and to try to concentrate on other areas of my life…but whether I try to think about it or not, my heart breaks every month.
We’ve always known, since before we were married, that we have wanted to “have” and adopt children. We strongly believe and support adoptions, so our dilemma now is…in knowing that there is no physical reason why we shouldn’t get pregnant naturally, when we begin the adoption process? By beginning the process, does that mean we are “giving up” our battle to have children of our own? How does one REALLY go about not “worrying” or “thinking” about getting pregnant (which is the advice I’ve been given from everybody and their grandmother) when you’ve already made the decision that you want to have children? When are we going to be given the chance to start our family?
“Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.” Deut. 7:9