Perfect Timing…

This blog post that has lived in the “drafts” section for oh, about a year. I’ve been reluctant to press “publish” for some reason or another, probably the biggest one was that I was hoping something would change and I could write a different kind of post, but as the months go by with no answer and no progress, I think it’s time to share. (be forewarned, it is a long one)

The past two and a half years have been such an emotional roller coaster for Jay and I. Travel back a couple years and a couple months to a conversation where Jay and I decided that we were ready to start our family and that I would get off birth control. We began this journey full of excitement and anticipation for what our family was going to be.

Now fast forward two years, some months, three best friends having babies and one currently pregnant, boy tests, girl tests and STILL no answers. We have found ourselves in what I like to refer to as a really cruel joke. The last two years have been the epitome of bittersweet as we have celebrated new life with our dearest of friends and yet at the very same time, were left with a sense of failure and mourning of our own inabilities. 

The past 30 months have been the same routine of hoping, pretending not to count days or “know” when I was supposed to know, wondering if every body ache or cramp or tenderness or soreness “meant” something, taking random vitamins…B12, Zinc, whatever others are supposed to “help” and every month around days 28-30 being overcome by the realization that this just is not “the month” and truthfully, like I’m a failure. 

Going through this with such an amazing and encouraging husband has made it easier. Jay is so wonderfully gentle when I am falling to pieces. I see it in his eyes and face though when we see our friends’ babies, he wants to meet his child. He’s ready. It is the sweetest thing to see and also the most heartbreaking all at the same time.

After 1 year of “trying” unsuccessfully, you are officially deemed infertile until proven otherwise. So in our journey through infertility, we’ve gone through a series of tests, estimated guesses and the like. Today I took another step in the path of discovery and  had an HSG test (hysterosalpingogram). I went into the procedure thinking, secretly hoping, that there was something wrong…because then, there would be a definitive “next step”. 

As I sat there looking at the television screen, I watched everything flow perfectly and everything look just as normal as can be…and the ironic thing is, my heart sank. So now, there is really NO explanation as to why we haven’t been able to conceive at this point, it’s not a physical issue…it is a timing issue. 

I am a believer in God. Ultimately I know that He created me, He loves me and that He doesn’t want Jay and I to be sad. But it, honestly, has been a HUGE test to our faith. At times, it is really hard…REALLY hard… for me to believe that God DOES have a plan for us and we really aren’t the brunt of a mean joke. I am trying my hardest to stay faithful and to try to find joy in other things and to try to concentrate on other areas of my life…but whether I try to think about it or not, my heart breaks every month. 

We’ve always known, since before we were married, that we have wanted to “have” and adopt children. We strongly believe and support adoptions, so our dilemma now is…in knowing that there is no physical reason why we shouldn’t get pregnant naturally, when we begin the adoption process? By beginning the process, does that mean we are “giving up” our battle to have children of our own? How does one REALLY go about not “worrying” or “thinking” about getting pregnant (which is the advice I’ve been given from everybody and their grandmother) when you’ve already made the decision that you want to have children? When are we going to be given the chance to start our family? 

“Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.” Deut. 7:9

2 thoughts on “Perfect Timing…

  1. Sam Boulware

    I’ve known for some time that “my baby” found herself questioning, at every turn, God’s plan. I found myself in a similar, but somewhat opposite situation. See her mother and I were about as unprepared as one could be when “my baby” found her way into this world. One could suggest that those circumstances were less stressful than the ones you find yourself in today. However, imagine the crisis of faith that exists when faced with the emotions of wondering how the depths of your lack of preparedness will impact that child’s life. I pose this hypothesis to offer hope and to express my boundless appreciation for your dilemma. I love you beyond measure and while my heart also breaks as the tears form in your eyes, I rejoice in a Holy God that has never failed me. Evidenced by your life, unaltered by the obvious naivete and inexperience of your parents during your early years. You and Jay are always in my heart and the subject of many of my prayers. I love you—Dad

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  2. Kara

    I felt like I was hearing myself and my heart speak as I was reading this post. Your story is identical to ours – trying for over 3 years, every test known to man taken and we’re both totally healthy and ok, but still have no idea why we can’t get pregnant.

    My heart has never fully recovered from the season we went through and are still going through. I know what it’s like to despair as you watch life bloom all around you, to know that you’ve done everything “right” in the Lord, and still there is no result. This is my encouragement from someone who really, truly understands what you are going through – choosing another path to parenthood doesn’t mean you have to give up your dream of a biological child. There is room in your heart for both, and it doesn’t mean you are a failure. That is what the Devil wants you to believe, and I know I have struggled with that daily as the questions continue to pour in day after day about when Matt and I will have a family. You are not a failure, you are a child of God, loved dearly and precious to Him.

    His story for you and Jay is not fully written. This isn’t over yet. Take hope my friend and I’ll take some for you as well. Love, love, love.

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