Still Waiting…

To say that the last three days have been an emotional roller-coaster would be the understatement of the year. I wish you all could see my face while I’m writing this because it’s been stuck in the same expression since Monday early morning. It’s this weird contortion of “trying-to-maintain-a-brave-face-but-the-waterworks-could-free-flow-at-any-moment” kind of face.

Like a pre-sneeze.

To protect my anxious heart and this delicate adoption process, I’m only going to share the facts:

1. Baby was born Monday. Beautiful and healthy. Jay & I were overcome with the GREATEST joy.

2. We were told we would not be able to see the baby because of complications with locating/gaining consent from the birthfather. Jay & I were overcome with the GREATEST anxiety.

3. We were told to wait.

4. We were told that unless birthfather responded by today, baby would be placed in temporary foster care for a minimum of 2 weeks until the relinquishment process could continue. Jay & I were overcome with the GREATEST sadness.

5. We were told to wait.

6. Baby was discharged today. To foster care. Jay & I can feel the numbness creeping in.

7. We now wait until…

8. Either the stars align in our favor and this baby is placed in our family, OR for it to ALL fall…apart.

I wish I could tell you I’m currently residing in that joy I mentioned in the last post, but to be brutally honest…these past few days – coupled with the 6 1/2 years of struggling with infertility, disappointment after disappointment and more negative pee sticks that I can even count – my heart is heavier than ever.

My heart is heavy and I already feel a sense of failure lurking at our back door. I know some may say it’s bad to put that “bad ju-ju” out there, but I’m not looking to be PC, I’m looking for the LIGHT at the end of this dark tunnel.

Jay and I need strength to carry us through the next couple of weeks. Yes I am hoping and praying for a positive outcome, but that feels surface-y at best. There’s the underneath stuff…the yucky, cynical stuff that has YET to be completely cleansed from my broken heart…and I feel it rising.

I pray I can choke it down.
I pray I can be stronger.
I pray I can be more hopeful.
I pray my face will settle into a smile of contentment.

I have no answers for the many questions that surround us. We have no answers or silver-linings to offer.

As it is, we are clinging with bare, white knuckles to the truth we know and trust…God is good, all the time. ALL the time. Tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

Adoption. Waiting. Not for the faint at heart.

6 thoughts on “Still Waiting…

  1. Iline Branham

    Our faith reminds us the clock is ticking and (Hey it’s Thursday already) All Good Things Are Worth Waiting For. Hold on it’s a short time to wait and God is Good, all the time. We Thank Our God and Praise him for this October 21, 2013. Jessie just a thought for you. Uncle Kenny and I are praying love to the three of you.
    ” Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is process; working together is success.”- Henry Ford Look at like this. ******** Success is on the way!********

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  2. Lee

    Fingers and toes crossed this side of the Atlantic all plays out your way in the next week or so. Forget the ‘British Stiff Upper Lip’ routine and let it all flood out, you’ll feel so much better!

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  3. Sarah

    I checked in to see how things are going, and my heart is heavy for you.
    There are no words that will ease the pain and heartache. I only wanted you to know you are near to my heart, and I’m praying for you.

    Not that you asked my opinion but please don’t apologize for the yucky cynicism. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Your mama’s heart has been broken, and that’s no easy thing to repair. There will come a day (hopefully extremely soon) when your heart smiles again. But it’s ok to acknowledge it’s painful and unfair.

    I will be praying for supernatural favor to come your way regarding your son.

    Love,
    Sarah (I know jay from Kanakuk)

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  4. Cheryl

    I honestly don’t remember how or when I first stumbled across your writing but I have been captivated by your words and stories ever since. Rooting for your family, for this baby. Praying that you don’t feel the need to be stronger or happier or repress any anger, doubts or cynicism. Because God can take it–every last bit of our anger and frustration and broken hearts. Regardless, I’m praying hard for good things to come through for your sweet family!

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